Ok so have you ever given much thought to the whole reason you exist! Yeah yeah pretty deep conversation i know....and the whole answer to life the universe and everything apparently is 42.... so whats the 42 mean?
Is it 42 lessons to learn in this life before you fret away to nothing and become someone new, or is it the amount of brain cells it takes for you to function before you die! .... who knows, all that alcohol, drugs and bad shit kill off brain cells, maybe when u get down to 42 thats it....game over *shrugs*
I've had a few life lessons so far and i'm not entirely sure i want anymore tbh, only if they are good ones from now on!
Lets see..... pain, heartache, deceit .... check check check! .... love, loss regret....check check check!
I'm kind of Agony Aunt at times, but thats cool because i'm good at it. I also would rather deal with my friends problems rather than my own, because i love them to bits and believe me they deserve it..... too much shit in their lives NOT to.... but sometimes i think i need ot focus on my issues (UGH!)
So anyway i dropped to the lowest i had been in a LONG time recently, even lower than losing my constant, my marriage AND miscarriages, but i guess what i learnt there is that if you dont step back and take a breath and look at it from an overall prospective...you can lose yourself.
I truely started to believe that my kids would be so much better off without me, that their dad and his new "life partner" (BLAH!) would be sufficient for them, and tbh thats my main worry in this life.... is them.
Taking a step back on life and assessing from a far has made me realise just how much i would miss them, and them me..... and how much they need me, even if it is to be the monster of a disciplinarian that i am to them :P
I find myself playing more with them, encouraging them to meet the sunshine, be kids!! I hate them inside on beautiful days!! Its also made me realise what i missed while i WAS in my marriage and how much i was kept away from.
Going from being totally sheltered and taken for granted in most things, when i am asked what i like to do in my spare time.... i cant really answer.... and thats kind of annoying, because i would love to have regular hobbies and interests. I would love to get away for the weekends and do stuff.... who knows, maybe theres someone out there whos going to show me all the world has to offer and everything i have been missing.
I never intended to sit on a computer.... yeah i have a geek side to me, and its a pretty big side at times, but there is so much more.
Maybe good things will start happening from now on and i can genuinely smile again..... i did find my smile for a short time and i do find it every so often, but ....until it is perminant...i'll keep my eye out!
So bring on the life lessons..... I'm ready and waiting.... just stop giving me the bad ones, i'm due for some good ones soon!! :)