Monday, December 28, 2009

Xmas mood and New Year Resolutions!

Why is it that when you buy stuff for kids, your ALWAYS bound to NEVER have enough batteries or the patience to untwist the multiple twist wires that hold the toys into the packaging. its hard to calmly do it when there are a million and the child is at your side begging you to hurry up!! Kinda puts a dampener on the mood of the day sometimes!
But after it all you can sit down and have a drink or 4!!
I alwasy wonder what goes through peoples minds on these days.... do they really care how everyone elses Christmas day is going or is it just something they send out automatically?
I got several replies from my Christmas SMS wishes...some personal, some multi recipient text. I guess there was really only 1 that i wanted to get a personalised one from....but it didnt come. It was a multi recipient text *sighs* and then my children didnt get to enjoy the full day with me bacause they were picked up EARLY!!!! for no reason at all as i later found out....apparently wires crossed.... but that seems to be happening alot more lately!! ......i think HE needs a tune up!
Christmas really isnt a good time to be alone.... I had no kids and pretty much no one to talk to. Everyone close to me was either enjoying the day with loved ones or a million miles away! It pretty much sux!
Now i get to look forward to making.....and soon breaking New Years Resolutions! Yay!!
My one given to me from work is "think before i speak and think about others when i proceed"
Maybe thats just coz i'm over most things at the moment and it shows in my work life, i dunno we'll see about this might last a week.
My personal one is to try and not let things get to me so much, stop making mountains out of mole hills and pretty much finalise my emotional detachment from everything!
I pretty much have done that ..... but unfortuantely i still hold a candle for 1 person in particualr and i cant seem to let go!!
I follow him from a distance (feel like a stalker sometimes) .....but i'm not! Dont hear from him for ages...get all upset coz i see things i dont like...... like the miraculous recovery of his partner whos meant to be stage 4 Ca Breast!! but somehow doesnt even look like shes had a cold :( ..... swear to myself that i will disengage after i blast the crap out of him and then WHAMO!!! he comes out with shit that makes me cry and wish he was here!!! ARGH!!! Getting soft!!.....I can NOT let myself fall back there ......must SLAP myself!!
Perhaps that can be my NYR. Its just hard letting go of the one thing you love in this world that isnt part of u :(
Anyway ..... this season makes you do and say all sorts of weird stupid crap .... so now that its out ...who knows maybe i can move on again!

Love Sun

Sunday, December 20, 2009

My Evil moment

I'm sorry but by the end of the year...i'm over work and most things that are annoying.
At the best of times i hate stupid people, but by the end of the year its so much worse!
Anyway i was taking this huge burly man around to theatre..... i was the Anaesthetic tech this day, so i actually have to interact with patients before they go to sleep *sighs* ....sometimes this ISNT a good thing.
I opened the curtains to see him almost jumping out of his skin in a pure scared sweat!! I look at him, and at my orderly and asked if we looked THAT scary!! He was terrified. As we wheeled him down the corridor i reminded him also that we had FOUR year olds that had this done all the time and THEY werent acting as badly as him. He was petrified of needles and to get him on the operating table was a feat in itself!!
With my orderly holding his hand on one side and me practically shielding the anaesthetist and holding him down on the other, we removed the emla cream (local anaesthetic) from his hand and he freaked again. We talked him through it and soon the needle was in. Now as the anaesthetist got his drugs ready i placed the mask over his face and instructed him it was ONLY oxygen and that i wanted him to fill his already F$#@ed up lungs with pure oxygen as the drugs were injected. He wearily looked up at me and said "Have you done this before?"
WELL!!!.................. i could NOT let this pass and without so much as a thought i responded......
"No mate! ...... But i googled it last night and it didnt look too hard, so i thought i'd give it a go!" ........
He could not run by this stage because of the drugs and my evil smirk probably didnt help...... but i finished him off with...... "Now think of something nice to dream about.......coz I'm going to be the last person you see........... before you fall asleep!"
I know ....evil huh? But it was so funny!!! and he DID remember me in recovery as i passed through and commented on giving up smoking now that he'd coughed up 1 of his lungs afetr extubation! lol
Thankgod i'm on holidays now, because i would hate to be my next few patients!!
Love Sun :)

Fool me once

Have you ever had one of those moments in your life when you suddenly think..... hang on.... something isnt right!
Well..... i realised after seeing a few things that i have been the biggest fool in the world!
Not only have i now become emotionally detached from everything and anyone, but now i pretty much have learnt NEVER to trust anyone or anything, because most things people say are a LIE!!
Yes folks ..... "the cake is a lie" and EVERYTHING associated to it!
One must be an excellent actor to draw someone in so much.
I now realised how easy it was to go from everyday contact to NOTHING. And now even the slightest contact is either VERY forced or the lie is extended.
I lost myself in someone after i had spent 30+ years promising myself i wouldnt. I even managed to get married and have 2 kids without opening myself up totally.
*sighs* I now know why i promised myself i never would.
How much pain and heartache can 1 person put another through before they stop, look back and realise with regret how bad they have been!
To see my best friend go through a similar yet NOT as supposidly BAD outcome based disease as someone else, to be told millions of lies about it and then months later see the other person looking happy and healthy as if NOTHING is wrong...... i feel like a MEGA fool!!
And then to be told there is still love and no one else, only to see someone well known prefessing their love over and over..... and the once constant invites to join things, websites, photos, apps, etc..... to NOTHING...yet this person is always just another follower. MMHMMMM ....just a friend, Riiiight!!
All i ever wanted was a little honesty..... something that could make me believe that humanity DID have a soul.
I was right...... i live in a souless society, that uses people to get what they need and dumps them instantly in their deepest darkest hour!
So perhaps i should be thanking you...... for destryoing me, or helping me rebuild the now impenetrable walls!!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Life Lessons

Ok so have you ever given much thought to the whole reason you exist! Yeah yeah pretty deep conversation i know....and the whole answer to life the universe and everything apparently is 42.... so whats the 42 mean?
Is it 42 lessons to learn in this life before you fret away to nothing and become someone new, or is it the amount of brain cells it takes for you to function before you die! .... who knows, all that alcohol, drugs and bad shit kill off brain cells, maybe when u get down to 42 thats over *shrugs*
I've had a few life lessons so far and i'm not entirely sure i want anymore tbh, only if they are good ones from now on!
Lets see..... pain, heartache, deceit .... check check check! .... love, loss regret....check check check!
I'm kind of Agony Aunt at times, but thats cool because i'm good at it. I also would rather deal with my friends problems rather than my own, because i love them to bits and believe me they deserve it..... too much shit in their lives NOT to.... but sometimes i think i need ot focus on my issues (UGH!)
So anyway i dropped to the lowest i had been in a LONG time recently, even lower than losing my constant, my marriage AND miscarriages, but i guess what i learnt there is that if you dont step back and take a breath and look at it from an overall can lose yourself.
I truely started to believe that my kids would be so much better off without me, that their dad and his new "life partner" (BLAH!) would be sufficient for them, and tbh thats my main worry in this life.... is them.
Taking a step back on life and assessing from a far has made me realise just how much i would miss them, and them me..... and how much they need me, even if it is to be the monster of a disciplinarian that i am to them :P
I find myself playing more with them, encouraging them to meet the sunshine, be kids!! I hate them inside on beautiful days!! Its also made me realise what i missed while i WAS in my marriage and how much i was kept away from.
Going from being totally sheltered and taken for granted in most things, when i am asked what  i like to do in my spare time.... i cant really answer.... and thats kind of annoying, because i would love to have regular hobbies and interests. I would love to get away for the weekends and do stuff.... who knows, maybe theres someone out there whos going to show me all the world has to offer and everything i have been missing.
I never intended to sit on a computer.... yeah i have a geek side to me, and its a pretty big side at times, but there is so much more.
Maybe good things will start happening from now on and i can genuinely smile again..... i did find my smile for a short time and i do find it every so often, but ....until it is perminant...i'll keep my eye out!
So bring on the life lessons..... I'm ready and waiting.... just stop giving me the bad ones, i'm due for some good ones soon!! :)


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Fashions of the past!!

OK so i was standing talking to some friends about some fashions that they used to wear, such as Jelly shoes (which i remember but promised myself long ago i would NEVER wear again), Raa Raa skirts, shoulder pads and who can forget the ever favourite "Hypercolour shirt"!!! Which sadly enough i still have one of *sighs*
Some how the subject moved onto stack hats ....or better known as bike helmets. I believe this started with the talk about magpies and crows and how they tend to swoop n kids riding bikes.
J mentioned that she was too poor to get a proper one when they came out, their family made her wear an icecream bucket on her head.... which i promptly asked if she had drawn any eyes on the top to deter the maggies from swooping...... funnily enough she had!!!! Right now its funny, but back then it was kinda cool to wear one, and no one seemed to care. I think today a kid would be bashed for that!! Anyway R said that she went to a private school and was made, or should i say, tormented into wearing the really sexy ORANGE box like "special spastic" stackhat!!! although swears it only ever swung from her handlebars ..... mmhmmm SUUUUUURE!!!
Now on that subject we moved to hair styles and the very BAD ones we have all seen and attempted. Mullets would have to be the killer....oohh sure back then they were sexy.... but NO!! they arent.... however P says her partner has one and loves it.... i laughed!!
My father proceeded to say that i should leave him alone coz sooner or later he would LOSE his hair anyway and that he should enjoy it while it lasted..... valid point i think!
Anyway i have seen the wide belts, white suits, shoulder pads and the bad hair circling the community once again and quite often wonder if i should have just KEPT the damn stuff! Who knows the stuff i wear now may come full circle in 20 yrs......
I dont think so ..... EVER!!
Love Sun :)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

WEIRD behaviour!

This is almost a personal Blog.....
Why would someone put pictures of OTHER peoples kids on their profile. I mean i sort of get it, but when you can see that one of the parents is having an issue with it, would you not pull back a little and perhaps suggest that your partner post them instead of you?
How does one know if there is a peadophile in the mix, its just one of those questions every parent asks themselves.
The other thing is...... If you decide to be an ASS and delete a person from your profile to get back at them for mentioning that they were upset about the said posted pictures.... i mean i can understand unfriending that person and that persons immediate family and even her BEST friend....but why would you leave her other friends (whom you never talk to and whom dont like you anyway) and most of all why would you ever consider keeping the one person that you suspected your wife of having an affair with??
Obviously your just looking for a mountain load of friends and the delete was done in the heat of the moment, but i think its weird to leave someone who is intimately close to the person your trying to get back at.
And yes!!!! He always WAS a better F$#@ that YOU were!!!
Anyway Rant over ...... let the chaos begin *grins*
Sun :)

Monday, October 12, 2009

Strange and awkward moments

OK so i decided after much debate to thow my name into the hat of the online dating world!
Well i didnt really want to do it but felt the need to see what its all about, so i added a profile and left it for about a month.
When i came back i found a few little messages from people and though "oh crap now they think i'm a bitch for not responding", but never the less i decided to answer one of them.
The next morning i had a response looking for further contact, now like i said i wasnt really wanting anything more than to check out what these sites are like but what the hell!!
I sat there tapping my fingers for a good 5 minutes wondering what i could put in the email that wouldnt get me moderated or cut off OR married with 2.4 children and a white picket fence surrounding a horse *shrugs*
Finally sent and waited for a response which came at about 7pm at night.
I logged on to read it straight away and was hit with an instant chat request.
Chatting away decided to meet up and say hi but couldnt decide when, until i made the decision to say F%$# it and we met at 9:30 that random!!
He could have been an axe murder or stalker for all i knew.
Now that meeting was nerve racking but went down pretty well....although most of the time i was thinking "what the F%$# am i doing?"!!!!!
Yanno what i didnt care right about then i just used the opportunity to lose myself..... but due to my recent spait of bad luck with men etc.... i have built walls and emotionally detached from everyone and everything, and due to the fact that i am an honest person i made sure he knew i wasnt going to roll over and profess my love and suddenly want the 2.4 children .... and LUCKILY on the same page *phew*
Friends with benefits....awesome .....just what i need.
Thankfully with the walls i didnt even get jelous when i heard he had other women on the go, which normally would annoy me.....
Its actually a blissful feeling, except for the fact that i compare everything to my past love and i am pretty much still stuck looking at that side of the fence, because i miss the grass over there and i dont think im ever going to get over it.
But anyway ..... this online dating thing seems to work i suppose, hopefully meet some interesting trustworthy people, have some fun and find a reason to keep going!
Give it a go
Sun :)